Ladies and Gentleman, I'd like to introduce you to my new friend Winifred....
Yes, Winifred is a man... Despite his girly name. Winifred just must be a boy. He is the little.... okay, not so little.... blob in my prefrontal lobe. Aka, the very top right part of the front of mybrain.
Winifred is most likely a pilocytic astrocytoma- which is a low grade glioma. BUT they aren't sure yet.... It's still up in the air. I see a neurosurgeon on Tuesday morning. The doctor I am seeing is in the practice with Dr. Howard R Reichman who is supposed to be one of Utah's premier neurosurgeons. So, I feel I am in good hands. After Tuesday, I'll have probably a lot better understanding of what the HECK Winifred is doing in my noggin. He was not invited.
SO.... How does Winifred affect my life?
Well, my dear friends, I have some interesting news regarding the influence of Winifred in my life... I shall call him Freddy.... Freddy has made my life a little too difficult, so in the next two weeks, I will be home and in the loving care of my wonderful family. GOOD news for you people in D.C. I will be free for partying in a few weeks. BAD news for you Utahns... I'm gone... for at least 10 months... if not more. :/ More updates regarding this info... later....
SO.... How did they find Freddy?
Well, the past few weeks I'd been having memory issues. Like, I'd be somewhere and not remember getting there. Or someone would hand me my ID or credit card, after I had apparently given it to them at the store or wherever. I'd send texts or make calls without remember a single second or single word. How about that time I remember putting on my brown flip flops by the door way, and then twenty minutes later I am walking around BYU campus and I look down and I am wearing my orange flip flops... What the heckkkkk happened in those 20 minutes?! Weird. Anyways, so my short term memory is SHOT.
Then I noticed my mood was a little sketchy.. Like I was having crazy random outbursts of anger or sadness or just frustration, etc. and I couldn't control it.
At first I thought I was just going crazy.... I was like... I am LOCO. BUT, then on Sunday night while I was at work I fell to the ground and grabbed my face and just couldn't say or do anything. It only lasted about 2 minutes but it was INSANE how much it hurt. Then, over the next 2 days they started happening a little more often. Then while I was in class on Wednesday morning I got one of my headache episodes, so I called up the doctor and had them squeeze me in, in the next 10 minutes. So I left class and went over there. It was 9 am.
The doctor was a little concerned but told me not to worry because out of the hundred patients he'd sent to the hospital for CT scans, no one had a brain tumor. I took my paperwork and I was sent down to get the CT scan. They did one and then as I was waiting for results, pulled me back in, put an IV in and put a contrast in my blood stream and did another CT scan. The contrast was the weeeeeirdest thing. It felt like I was peeing my pants, drowing in boiling hot water, and unable to breathe all at the same time. The sensation only lasted for like 3 minutes, but it was a weird 3 minutes. The technician kept saying that he knew I'd think I peed my pants, but I didn't. As soon as the sensation hit, I was like... "Oh my gosh! I just peed my pants... this is embarrassing. I'm the one person who couldn't hold it in.... Awkward!" But much to my (rather pleasant) surprise, there was no peeing of the pants!! Hooray!
So, I waited for like an hour... (missing my 2 classes now).... And finally the technician came and pulled me into a room where my doctor had called in. He talked to the radiologist and they saw something that concerned them. The technicians told me not to worry, it was probably nothing, and they showed me the CT scan. Lucky for me, I have taught myself how to read the CT scans, so I knew what to look for, and even I was concerned and worried. Those technicians need some practice. That's all I'm saying. It was this giant dark spot on the prefrontal lobe on the right side of my brain. I was like... uh... that's HUGE! But they assured me I'd be fine. So, I waited there with the IV in my arm for about half an hour more. It was now about 1:30.
They called the Radiology wing of the hospital and asked if they could squeeze me in for an immediate M.R.I. So I walked myself down to radiology and got drugged up (I am EXTREMELY claustrophobic) and waited for the M.R.I.. It was weird, for sure. I knew something was wrong. I could just tell. I was alone in the hospital all day, and I was scared, and I was crying, and I was freaking out. I talked to a few friends, and they told me not to worry, but it didn't help. After the drugs kicked in, about 2:30, I went in for the M.R.I.. They made it as easy on me as they could, and I did about 3/4 of the M.R.I., and then they woke me up and put more weird stuff into my IV. I did not like the waking up part, IV part, or the whole, going back in to the M.R.I. part. The whole experience was displeasing. Entirely.
Rani and a few friends picked me up from the hospital at 3:30, so that 1) I could get home, and 2) Someone could drive my car home ... since I drove myself to the hospital.
When I left, the hospital peoples told me that I'd get my results probably by tomorrow. That made me worry, because at 5:30 I got a call from my doctor.... He said he hated to tell me this over the phone, but he thought I should know that I had a low-grade glioma. I was alone in my apartment, and just started frantically walking around as I started blocking out everything else he was saying. Responding with "okay" and "uh-huh" to everything he said. A tumor. A freaking tumor! He then said, "Well, looks like you beat the odds, cause you're the one patient that has actually had a tumor." It would've been funny......... If I hadn't just been told I had a tumor.
SO.... How do I feel about Freddy?
I just went outside and started bawling. Uncontrollably. I tried calling my house. No answer. Tried calling my dad. No answer. Tried calling my mom (about a dozen times).... No answer. But hey! Eventually I got a text that said she was in a meeting and she'd call later. I texted her and told her "No. Call now!" Next time I called, it went straight to her voicemail. REALLY MOM?! I tried calling Natalie. Tried calling Katie. No answer. So feeling scared and desperate, I called my friend Mike. He actually answered, and I told him I had bad news..... I told him what I just told you, but while crying like a little baby. (Okay, not my baby cry- for those of you who LOVE my baby cry... More like crying like a little kid who just fell off their bicycle cause some craaazy person ran over them with a car. Like hysterics. Mike listened, and that meant everything to me... I don't know what I would've done without him.
Finally my mother called and I swear for 5 minutes I had to convince her I actually had a brain tumor. Pretty sure she thought I was joking. I was like "Mom, way to stay in your meeting when your daughter has a brain tumor." And she responds, "A little girl is about to get baptized..." blah blah blah.. Mean while, I'm freaking out, and I'm like "I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR." She did not believe me... Until FINALLY, I said "MOM. The doctor JUST called. I have a BRAIN TUMOR." Then she reacted like a mother should react. Concerned. Thank you mom for finally believing me. Love you.
Anyways, so the next morning I was told what type of tumor they think it is, and they set me up with the Neurosurgeon. My Aunt Carol was nice enough to come with and ask those "mom questions"... questions that little brain tumored bald girls don't think of asking. All I could think was .. DANG THAT'S HUGE.... and at least if I get chemo I don't have any hair to loose.... and even Crap! There goes my perfect head.... All the thoughts a girl in denial should think.
I swear. I bawled uncontrollably all Wednesday. Laughed most of Thursday. Even told the Doctor I thought he was pulling a joke. He assured me he wasn't. And Friday I alternated between crying and laughing. Still completely in denial. I keep telling myself that I'll wake up and it'll all be gone. I'm just faking it.
DISCLAIMER: I am NOT faking it. There really is a brain tumor. His name is Winifred "Freddy", and he is causing me great pain. Physically and emotionally. I hate him.
Anyways, that's all for now. More confessions to come.
- J
