I'm the Worst... :)

I used to be obsessed with blogging and informing the world of my life, but I haven't been lately. For some reason there is this weird satisfaction with posting your life online and having others read and comment about it.. I know I am weird, but I enjoy it:) I watched an episode of the tv show 'House' last week and there was this lady who posted every detail of her life on her blog. Readers would post comments and agree/disagree with certain situations or fights with her husband or medical decisions. Now, I am not that insane. I am pretty sure you'd get bored if I put that much detail out there, haha. But, I do enjoy posting more of my life. Therefore, I am going think about posting daily events on here instead of bi-weekly summaries. (If you get emails of my blog and no longer wish to get them, no worries, just let me know, and I'll take you off the list.)

So the past couple days. I went to a j.wride concert at Muse Music Cafe (you know how much I love that place). J.wride was amazing as always, and if you haven't heard them yet, go to facebook.com/jwridemusic or myspace.com/jwridemusic and take a listen. It will be well worth your time... In fact your life might just be a little bit better if you do.

And, JeanMarie Stewart bought an italian soda and shared it with me. Delicious.



The concert was rather fantastic, especially since Court Eccles has been added in as the bass player. He seriously is INCREDIBLE. He is one of the most talented musicians I have ever known. And, it's kind of fun to have him around. I knew him back in high school and its good to have someone to chat with about my "past life". Plus, he's a real chill guy, a good friend.



Afterwards I went with Nate, Court and Jesse to Denny's (we did this the week before too), and just hung out and talked. It was fun, I really enjoy spending time with the guys. Plus, there's something fun about hanging out at midnight:) They are really great guys. (Hence my facebook status exclaiming j.wride is my ecstasy.)

This up coming weekend they will be playing at SUU, so if you're around- check them out.

This past weekend was general conference, Elder Holland's talks are always good. And I heard Elder Oaks' talk in Priesthood session was good too. If you wanna know my fav's, feel free to ask. Between sessions and before and after I spent the weekend doing homework, trying to catch up. I went through a chapter of calc problems, read some in the new testament, worked on some stats, and caught up a lot in my ASL class. And yet with how much i've accomplished, it's amazing how much I still have to do.... JeanMarie came over today and helped me a ton with calc. Thanks to her, I got more accomplished than I ever would have on my own. She's amazing. I seriously took her forgranted all these years and a big shout out to my pal JeanMarie for sticking by me and always being there to help and support me. If you know this girl, and you know me, you know how amazing she is, and how crappy I've treated her. She never deserved that..

Well... here's highlights from the past couple weeks of non-blogging... enjoy:







































































Anyways, that's all from this teenage drama queen. More confessions to come.

- J

j.wride!

Friends and followers:

If you have a facebook, go to www.facebook.com/jwridemusic
and become a fan!
They are good friends of mine, and are an AMAZING talent.
Take a listen, you'll know what I mean.

Thanks!
- J

"When you can't have what you want, it's time to start wanting what you have."

This week I attended almost all of my classes. I missed one calc lab, and then two classes on Friday (story of why is coming later). So again, progress! Each week I can't believe how far I have come from Feb 17 when I lost all use of my fantastic right arm. I can now write legibly with my left hand, and write in cursive (that was a toughy), but am still working on learning to write those infinity signs you have to use all the time in calc. By the time I get it, I'll probably be able to switch to my right arm again. Lame, I know.

Seth Brunner, Me, Josh Flores

This week was nothing special, at all. I worked on getting caught up more, that was... fun? Friday night I stayed in and studied and did homework.. Then Saturday woke up early for cleaning checks and studying (for a STATS 221 test that everyone else took 3 weeks ago when I was all surgified). Josh drove me to the test and I was like.. hmm.. I'll probably get a 40. Mother said to aim high, reach for the stars, and get a 42. I was like, okay, doable. Seth helped me study and review all the material I either missed or didn't understand completely, and so there I went. When I walked out of the test, I look up where the scores were and saw a certain number. I was wondering if I had accidently looked up my ssn instead of my byu id #, but after checking seriously like 8 times.. I got an...


88%

How great is that?! An 88! Last stats test (that I actually was healthy, and not broken, and attended class for, I got an 83. And I got an 88!) That means that my grade in this class is 100% on homeworks, and an average of 85% on tests. I am seriously so lucky! Best day ever! Josh and I went back to Alta to celebrate and ate nice big bowls of ice cream. It was great.

Last night I did more homework, studying, and planned a sunday school lesson. BUT I had the opportunity to go to Bethany Weiler's "Pi" day party and eat some pie while she helped me with Stats. She made 4 pies, they were delicious! I also had the pleasure of meeting Rani's "friend"/friend Bayden (from her mission). He was great. I'm a fan. p.s. I talked on the phone with another kid from their mission (Josh) and had a jolly ol' time. Thanks for the chattin Rani+Bayden+Josh.

Oh! (For those who already read this and noticed I posted without telling the story I said I would share.. my bad.) So Thursday night I had my shoulder immobilizer off as I was getting ready for bed and I tripped over some chords in my room and lost my balance. Yes cringe if you know where I'm going with this. I tripped and caught myself with my right arm (the one that is all broked) and then it couldn't hold me up because it hasn't healed yet, so I fell and landed right on the shoulder. As soon as I hit the ground I just started bawling. It hurt so bad! Up until 4 weeks, if something like that happens, the surgery may need to be redone. So please keep me in your prayers, that the shoulder will continue to heal, that I don't have to go through this all over again :/

Well, that's it. Sorry I have no other cool stories. But, hey! That's life:) And that's MY life.

Anyways- that's all from this teenage drama queen. More confessions to come.

- J


(Oh! And a shout out to Josh for always being willing to drive me around (since I can't drive yet), I really appreciate it!)

Official Announcement

Road Trip!

I am officially announcing my road trip this summer from p-town, Utah to Washington, D.C.

After the winter 2010 semester concludes at BYU, I will be driving over 30 hours, over 2ooo miles, across the country back to my hometown, where I will be residing for 8 months. Yes, 8 months. And yes, I am super excited to be able to have my car in D.C. where I will be. It will be great to have some independence and my glorious stick shift. Maybe I'll even teach molly how to drive stick. She'd hate it :)

Anyways, you're hearing it from me. It's official. I will be in VA at least from May until December. And we'll see from there. So if you're an east coaster, I'm coming baaack! And if you're a west coaster, well, you better miss me!

Anyways- that's all from this teenage drama queen. More confessions to come.

- J

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.”

This week was tough, I'm not going to lie. Heading back to school was super hard. I didn't make it to all my classes, but I did make it to 7/12.. That's progress for sure. I wish I could have gone to more, but I'm trying, so that's really all I can do. Problem is, I'm not struggling making up the material, I'm struggling making up the written homework. Online homework I am able to get 60% of the time, but written homework takes so much longer. Especially since I have to do it left handed, and I am most definitely right handed. If anyone has any tips... please help me!

So besides drowning in school... I had a rather excellent weekend!

Thursday I went on a date with a boy in my ward Tyler. He is from Cottonwood Heights (salt lake area). We went to subzero! (His first time.) And we just sat there, ate our delicious ice cream, and talked. It wasn't a super intense date, but I had a really great time, seriously! He's an amazing guy.

Friday I went on a date with Michael Slawson, who was willing to go with me, so I could double with Emily the Asian, and her new boy toy Brayden. We went to California Pizza Kitchen (where I used the gift card my gracious mother gave me)! We had a great time, lots of delicious food, Italian sodas, and laughter.

Kenny and Natalie

Then afterwards, we went to Spark Restaurant Lounge for drinks where we met up with Natalie and Kenny, and Christine and Bryan. We mostly all got the double berry martini which is to die for:) Except Em/Brayden who got a Shirley Temple. We loved that cotton candy on top. Brayden, Em and I shared each other's drinks. I had a great time, and since I had a gift card for Spark too, I paid for Bryan/Christine's, and Natalie/Kenny's drinks. I was so gracious that they came with. It was like my people meeting my "family".. haha.

Saturday I played Settlers with a few friends in the ward: Moises, Spencer, and, Natalie L. I almost won, and then out of no where Moi was like BAM, and won the game.

Saturday night I went to a benefit concert for Clark Kimble who was diagnosed with a fulminant hepatic failure, a life-threatening liver disease, at Muse Music Cafe. Four different groups performed. First, Ask for the Future. They were the only band I had never heard before, and they unfortunately had one of their band members pass away the night before. But they were incredible. I loved their sound, their music. After which was a band I love, Double or Nothing. My friend Nate Smeding is the drummer, and man oh man, he is incredible. Then followed Nate Baldwin and The Sound. Lastly, was j.wride. And you all know how much I love j.wride. They were amazing as always, but this time had a little bit different of a sound. Garrett was back! And he played the electric guitar, and Court Eccles (from Springfield, VA) joined the band and now plays the bass. Court is seriously amazing. His talent is far more experienced than anyone else I know. As Jesse said, "No human should be able to do that".

Double or Nothing
(Nate is in the back.)

Me, Nate, Melissa

Jesse, Court, Me

Jesse, Court, Me

(j.wride)
Garrett, Austin, Court, Jesse

I was able to talk to some amazing people last night. Melissa Barnes met me there and hung out with me:) I also was able to talk to one of Jesse's best friends Brittney who is actually in Jon(my cousin)'s ward. She is a pretty great girl, and we have a lot in common. I met this guy named Ben, who actually worked at the cafe. And he was hilarious. I think I talked to him for 2 hours.. I was a fan. I also met a kid named Travis, who is in the band Empirates, and he played some for us, and he has got some talent! Later on, I met Ben's cousin Parker, who Melissa actually knew from freshman year, and beyond. Pretty much the night wasn't anything that special, but ended up one of the most amazing nights. I just had such an amazing time.

So thanks to all those who made this week possible. And thank you to all those who have driven me around because I still can't drive myself, lol. Seriously, thanks!

Anyways- that's all from this teenage drama queen. More confessions to come.

- J

Progress is Possible.

I would like to state the accomplishments I have reached this past week:
- I went out in public for the first time since my surgery.
- I showered/bathed all by myself.
- I dressed myself for the first time.
- I am almost able to sleep through the night.
- I am pretty much off percoset.
- I used my right arm to type this blog post (supposedly its healthy to do so).

What a week I would say!

Although... I am still in quite a bit of pain, and am up to missing 3 weeks of school now. Will I ever catch up?! I need you to keep me in your prayer now more than ever... This is a struggle I am drowning dealing with. It is hard knowing I am missing work (aka not making any money), not attending school (aka failing school), and missing out on a lot of life's events...

I did attend one event I would like to share this week:

Friday night was our ward's valentine's formal event. We were each paired with someone from our ward. I was paired with Shey (mentioned in an earlier post). We kind of doubled with his cousin and another girl in my ward. He picked me up, crippled and all. I went to the dinner and ate two large plates of salad, roll, and lasagna. We chatted, I caught up with some people in the ward I hadn't seen in a while, and life was good. (Besides the point that I was dying in pain, even taking a lot of pain meds.) Then there was the "dance" part. Seeing as I only had one arm, dancing was awkward. So we got our picture taken, and we had so much fun doing that- making random/weird poses and just being insane! Then we played some games in the game room. Afterwhich we went to the dance for a little bit. Some friends dedicated a song as a "one armed dance" because I only had one arm of course.. and I had a few slow dances with Shey. Of course it was a little awkward being one armed and having the brace/sling on and everything, but he was such a good sport and danced with me anyways :) What a champ. So yes, I was in a lot a lot a lot of pain, but yes, I had a lot of much needed fun. So thank you Shey- for going with a cripple, in pain, to a dance, where I may have been a lame date and danced awkward, but for still making it an unforgettable evening.

Anyways- not much else has happened seeing as all I do all day is sleep, watch movies, and eat... Unless you can count watching 'Forever Strong' 9 times doing "something".

Thanks for reading, feel free to comment on my lame life...

Anyways- that's all from this teenage drama queen. More confessions to come.

- J

Realizing We All Have Regrets.

Sometimes it is as if I am the only person in the world. I feel so lost, so lonely, and I wonder where my life is taking me. This surgery has really impacted my life. As I sit on the couch in the home where I am healing, I lay there just thinking. I wonder why I chose to cheat on a test, kiss a certain boy, skip school, quit my swim team, ruin a precious friendship, hurt those I love. I recently have realized I have a lot of regrets. Regrets I didn't know I necessarily had, but have affected my progression. I somehow got stuck on the thought that since I had already screwed up, I was already a screw up. Someone reminded me of something I think I had always known, but never remembered- Just because we have regrets, doesn't mean that if we were given a second chance to "fix" those regrets, that they'd change our future, or make us feel any better about the situations that caused such regret. If I were given a chance to never cheat on a test, how would that change me? If I never had my first kiss with the boy I did, how would that change the way I fall in love? If I had never quit my swim team, what kind of person would I be right now? If I had never made my mother cry, how much stronger could our relationship be?

I've convinced myself that if I open up my heart to friends and family alike, that it increases my chance of getting hurt. I'm scared of getting any more hurt than I already have in my life. Can I even handle one more heartbreak, one more betrayal, one more failed relationship? But then again, can I handle being this lonely?

I can be in a crowd of thousands, a room of hundreds, a house of many, and yet in the midst of strangers, friends, and loved ones, I can still feel completely alone. Maybe I just haven't found someone or something that makes me feel complete. But then again, maybe the hole that we all feel at one point or another doesn't need someone else to fill it. I don't need someone to temporarily sit in that hole until they tear me apart. There is a possibility that I can sit down and really think for a second about my life. Maybe I will realize that even if I was given a second chance, I might not choose to change the ways I "hope" my life would change. It could just be that my life would be the same it is today, but with a little bit of knowledge added onto it.

So take a second and think of how you could live your life if you had no regret. What if you were satisfied with all your decisions, good and bad, just because you knew that life will happen one way or another? How would that change our lives. Maybe it isn't the act of "changing that past" that will change our lives for the better. I believe that it is the act of changing our views of our past and present that will make that change for better. It isn't that we make mistakes, its that we choose different paths for ourselves so that we can learn, grow, experience things. If we never try, we'll never know. If we never know, we'll just have regret. So wouldn't you rather have lived, than never lived at all? Wouldn't you rather have tried and failed, than never tried at all? Wouldn't you rather have experienced life, than watched it pass you by? I feel that there is more risk in regret if we do not experience life as it happens. If we choose to seize the day continually and let our hearts and minds rule our decisions instead of the pressure from our work, friends, and society- wouldn't that be a better way to live?

So maybe at times I am lonely. I may cry. I may wish to be anywhere else but where I am. But then when I look back at my past, I almost laugh at it. Was it really worth the extra few points on that exam? Was it really as good of a kiss as I remember? Would I ever have become the professional/Olympic swimmer I swore I was destined to be? Could I have changed someone else's life, like some certain individuals changed mine?

So why am I scared of the future? Is it because I am still scared of the past? Or is it because I am scared that I might wake up one morning and realize that I might possibly be happy with the way my life is turning out?

If this post doesn't make you think about your life in perspective, I don't know what will. All I know is life is too short to have regrets. And life is short, and I don't want to wake up and realize that twenty years have passed and I am still wishing that I would've tried a little harder in my life and aimed my goals a little higher. People die every day, and we never know when we'll go. So is it worth it to spend our lives wishing we could fix the past when in reality we should be out there living in the present and making our lives the best we possibly can?

I wish you luck friends, family, and strangers. May you make your life everything it should be, and even more than you could ever imagine.

- J


"A few years' experience will convince us that those things which at the time they happened we regarded as our greatest misfortunes have proved our greatest blessings." - George Mason

The Miracle Behind My Surgery

*I just posted this on my other blog, so I apologize if you get this emailed to you twice. Thanks for reading :)

As most of you know, one week ago today I had surgery on my shoulder. Why I bring this up here, why it is good that has happened? Well, for two years I gave suffered with intense shoulder/neck pain. Pain I would say has averaged between 4-7/10 (on pain scale) constantly. I've been to at least 5 doctors- regular doctors, orthopedic specialists, and a rheumatologist. They have all ended up giving me 3 pieces of "advice": 1) try this new/different pain medication, 2) try physical therapy, 3) ... and good luck. So I've been on at least 9 different perscription strength pain meds, received cortisone shots, attended physical therapy for over 16 months, had multiple MRIs an x-rays... and guess what. "Good luck" was the best advice I got for 2 years.

**Note: MRIs and x-rays showed tiny labrum tear, small chip and crack in shoulder joint/bone, tendinitis, bursitis, global instability, extreme immobility, etc. But all of these things a) shouldn't be causing the amount of pain I am in, and b) should've mostly been fixed by all the medications and physical therapy.**

I finally went back to a family doctor expressing my concern that I couldn't even drive, scrape ice off my car, cook, write/type, carry groceries, etc. without extreme pain that was past unbearable. He suggested I go back to my orthopedic specialist and ask that he scope my shoulder. So, one day that next week I did. And after waiting almost 2 hours, and explaining my concern and pain, he agreed. Unfortunately, he made a point to emphasize that it was very unlikely that he would find anything.

Wednesday the 17th, the surgeon went in expecting an unsuccessful exploratory arthoscopy. I was expecting to be in surgery for 30-45 minutes. Turns out...

GOOD HAPPENS!...

The doctor found a very substantial tear. This tear was an almost completely torn ligament, aka the labrum was barely connected, it was pretty much gone and just 'hanging' there. You can research more if you're interested.

Why is this good news? Yes, I may be in pain now, and be in a sling, and have to do more physical therapy. But in 6 months, I am not going to be in constant pain anymore. I'm going to be okay! :) What a miracle it was that he found the tear when he did, and that he was able to fix it when he did. As much as I am in pain, and my life has kind of been put on hold right now, I am so lucky that the doctor found the tear when he did, an was able to fix it. Cause i'm going to get better! I am so fortunate :)

- J

The One Where I Got Surgery... (on my shoulder)

My swollen hand (right)
because it has been hanging in a sling doing nothing for days..

The nasty IV that sat in my arm forever.
It fed me lots of strong medications after surgery.

Me finally back- at the Potts home.
In monstrous amounts of pain.. :(

Surgery Schedule:
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
@ 12:00 am - No more food/liquids
@ 1:30 pm - Sister Becky Potts picks me up and we drive to the Surgical Center
@ 3:45 pm - Finally head back to pre-op and get prepped for surgery
@ 4:00 pm - Received IV and saline (1st "liquid" since previous day)
@ 5:00 pm - Head to surgery?
@ 7:30 (time is fuzzy after they drugged me... hahha) Surgery completed.

* note: Surgery was supposed to be 30-45 min, but instead lasted 90 min.. Turns out my doctor while performing the arthroscope surgery found that the slight tear in my labrum that was shown in the MRI taken Oct 2008, was now a completely torn (barely still connected at all) ligament. The surgeon was able to reconnect it, but dang is it painful!

@ 8:00ish pm - I start to wake up from anesthesia in a lot of pain..

The rest of the evening was filled with pain, vomiting, tears, screaming, coughing, and more pain. By about 10:30 pm they gave me morphine in the IV and I crashed right away. They kept me over night to monitor my pain and vomiting. I was lucky they did so because they were able to keep giving me drugs to ease some of the pain.

Thursday, February 18, 2010
@ 5:30 am - I wake up and the night nurse gives me pain meds, and remove the IV. The nurse spends some very difficult 20 minutes getting me dressed. It was sooo painful and hard to do..
@ 6:00 am - Brother and Sister Potts pick me up from the surgical center and I am released.
@ 6:30 am - I arrive at the Potts Home.

Since being released I sleep probably at least 50% of the time, and am in constant pain. The drugs take only the edge off the pain and I always hurt, no matter the position I am in. The Potts family have been so good to me, taking excellent care of me. I owe them so much.

Last night I was able to take my first bath since surgery. I was a most pitiful and painful bathing experience, but it felt good to be at least somewhat clean.. I felt ridiculous struggling so much just to bathe, but I could barely stand at times..

So I am in an immobilizer shoulder brace for 4-6 weeks on orders not to use my right arm/hand/shoulder at all. And you'd be surprised how much pain I can be in with how little I do, and how much pain meds I am on.. Its ridiculous. Then after those 6 weeks, I will start a rigorous set of physical therapy to gain back strength in my arm and shoulder. Fun fact: after the right arm heals... we get to do it all over again with the left arm :( sad life.. ha ha.

** Note: For all those who may not know what this surgery was indeed for... It was a shoulder arthroscopic surgery. The purpose was to "fix" the constant pain that I have been in the past 2 years. And no, I never did anything to injure or break myself... my body obviously likes to break itself. **

So, if there is one thing you could do (besides sending me flowers... haha, just kidding), please keep me in your prayers, I need all the prayers I can get.

Thank you! Wish me luck on life, and catching up with school and work..

- J


p.s. TYLER POTTS GOT HIS MISSION CALL!! And I totally guessed he was going to England...
so I win! :) He reports May 28, 2010 to the England MTC, and he is serving in the London England Mission. Congratulations Elder ;) I'm SO happy for you :)

Saturday is a Special Day!

Saturday was the busy day- I didn't really do anything else this week. I studied like 11 hours for my Calc test on Friday (skipped all my plans to do so) and went Saturday morning to take my test. I'm pretty sure I did terrible... Major bummer, I know.. I know.

Okay, so I met this boy, Shey, who is in my ward. He moved in this semester, as he just got off his mission to Hungary. (He's from Sandy, Utah.) We were going to go to Tucanos, but when we got there, there was a 3.5 hour wait, so he asked if I wanted to get ice cream. So we went to subzero. Now, this was the 3rd time I'd been to subzero in 7 days, and the guy in subzero recognized me and asked if I wanted the 'usual', and I said yes :) And for the record, that was my 3rd free ice cream that week!

So then there was the Utah vs. BYU basketball game. A ref passed out, a Ute hit #4 Emery in the face, that same Ute threw a basketball hard in Tavenari's chest, the crowd booed for 15 min straight, trash was thrown on the court, and hundreds of people camped out for a week prior to the game. It was an INTENSE game. (Pictures to come... yes! I finally took pictures!!) But we won, no worries. Actually, lots of worries, we were very close at times to possibly not winning. But I'm pretty sure God has favorites, and BYU is one of them. Sorry Utah..

So then I went to Tucanos at 10:30 at night (that's when there were reservations open), and I went with Natalie and her ... 'friend' Kenny. (Pictures to come!) I won a free meal! (20$ value! Yessssssssss!! Best ever.) And Natalie+Kenny won a free appetizer! It was a grand ol' time. Seriously delish!

Oh, and p.s. Jesse Wride has given me a challenge to actually write a structured song. I'll be working on it throughout the next week or two. Thanks to his pointers, and constant support, I may actually write a song that isn't just mish-mashed, and makes some sense. So thank you Jesse Wride. Oh, and p.s. j.wride finally released their song with International hip-hop artist MIMS. If you want to check it out, go to their youtube page. Here is the link to the new song. It will be in itunes soon, I hear. They come out with their 2nd CD in the end of March. I'm excited.


So that's all. I know, lamer and lamer by the week :) I swear I'll get pictures up on here as soon as I can. Thanks pals. And thanks for reading my bloggg. You're the best.

Anyways- that's all from this teenage drama queen. More confessions to come.

- J

“There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness.” :)

I would love to tell a story about how great my life is. I mean, its great, but kind of really bland this week. Work, school, sleep... Yeah, that's pretty much it. I skipped both basketball games again, and really don't mind. I am just so behind in school that I don't feel a need to go to the games anymore. Sad, I know.


Highlights of the week:
- My co-worker Tyler I mentioned last week got in a car accident and missed a lot of work because of the effects. Poor kid... his leg was smashed in the car and looks terrible.



- I went on a date Friday night with my good friend Tyler Potts. We went to The Event III at BYU, and it was awesome! We played laser tag, went the the dance, played giant twister, got free ice cream, played with an inflatable jousting thing, listened to a live band and just hung out. I had such a blast! Seriously, it was insane! :) At the end I made a snow angel in the parking lot. My shadow was in the angel in the picture, so it looks like I'm really an angel! ha ha.


- I participated in the most EPIC snowball fight ever. It was awesome. It had people throughout the parking lot, and up on all the balconies.. Snowballs were flying from every direction and I got one right in my eye, in my gut, on my back, on my chest... Ouch.



- I went on a blind date Saturday night to the BYU Choir concert at the Provo Tabernacle, and then the guy, Dayton, took me to Subzero (SOOO delicious!) and I tried a new mix of flavors, I would suggest you try it: yogurt, black raspberry flavor, peaches, chocolate flakes. YUM. It was super fun, and it was good to get to know him!

Anyways- that's all from this teenage drama queen. More confessions to come.

- J

Life happens... "Every man dies. Not every man really lives." (William Wallace)

Sometimes people frustrate me. I put so much faith in them coming through, even when as usual, they don't pull through. Maybe I shouldn't have so much faith in them, in human kind, but if I give up the faith I have in them, what do I have? Nothing. Summary: If you promise you are going to do something for me, with me, etc. you BETTER pull through. If you can't, tell me, and for my sake, be honest. I deserve that much at least... So to everyone who has ever let me down... I deserve better.

Now to the week's updates:

I had another week of classes and work. Classes are starting to get harder, but calc is the only one I am struggling with. Work is the best part of my day. My co-worker Tyler is fantastic. He cracks me up, and he's just super honest and real. I never worry that what he is saying is just to please me, or anyone else. The other day at work he was teaching me how to change the big lights in the hallways and classrooms. He was wearing gloves as a precaution and was up on the ladder, he reached down to hand me the light. Unsure whether or not it was hot, I hesitated. He replied, "What? You don't trust me?" With that one comment, I reached up and grabbed the light. He laughed, I smiled. How could I not trust a guy like Tyler?

I am still working on playing the guitar but had a little set back when mister NICHOLAS POTTS snapped a string and broke it yesterday. He tried putting it back on... and failed miserably (and yes, you failed Nick). So my friend Chris when he was over last night put a new string on nice and snug. I will pick it back up this week. OH! I did write a new song. If you'd like to hear it, I might send it to you, depending on how much I like you :)

Speaking of Chris, he and I sang "Learn of Me" in Sacrament Meeting. Thanks to all those who came to support me :) I think it went well, and I enjoyed singing it. That kid has an amazing, but natural voice. I love it. And he is recently engaged to the LOVELY Kareena! I am super happy for the both of you- you are too too adorable.

I went on a date Friday night with Jordan, we doubled with Bethany and Dan. As usual (as atleast 50% of my dates have been) we went to a j.wride concert. This one was way neat because it was in his home in Pleasant Grove. They were brilliant as always and we discovered that Dan and Austin (the drummer) were in the same district during their mission. (weird, huh?) They let me hear a sneak peak of their new album, and yes, I was the first "fan" to do so. And yes, it makes me feel cool. But let me just say something here. I thought their last album was brilliant... this was a whole new level! It was incredible.

My life is getting lamer cause all I do these days is work, school, and sometimes sleep... So sorry about that. I didn't even go to the basketball game yesterday. How super lame is that? But it was good to have some down time. And I loved that.

Anyways- that's all from this teenage drama queen. More confessions to come.

- J

p.s. Sorry there's no pictures.. I've been a major slacker lately.

"Courage is when you're afraid, But you keep on moving anyway. Courage is when you're in pain, But you keep on living anyway ."

I've realized recently I don't have anything I am passionate about. I go through "phases" (you have heard of them I am betting) of enjoying something but after a week or so, that so called passion is gone, and by gone, I mean I either could care less about it, or am too frustrated to continue.

I have tried sketching- I am quite good, but do not have the patience.
I have tried writing music- I am talented, but don't have the dedication.
I have attempted becoming a master chef- but I don't have the money or equipment to continue.
I have considered instruments- but I am mediocre and have realized that's all I'll be.
I can sing- but just because I have a "unique" voice doesn't mean I will make it anywhere.
I have written poetry, learned new dances, raced and ran.
I have sewed, and read books, and tried to juggle.
I've attempted to become passionate in school, or with my work.

But when the week is over I have realize there is another talent I don't have. I don't need a million talents, (I mean that would be nice, but its not a big deal.) But I need to be passionate about something... Everyone needs passion. As Nelson Mandela explained, "There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. " Obviously I need to think bigger... find something that I can help change, that can change me.

"I don't know what life will bring tomorrow
But I want you there next to me
I don't know where I'll be tomorrow
But I'll remember you and me."

The only thing I can remember truly being passionate about are a few certain boys. Some were mentioned in my HATE for boys post, but others remain unmentioned. There are times a certain boy will occupy my every thought. Everything I do will be with them in mind, either to please or impress them. When I am fortunate, sometimes being myself is good enough to please and impress a boy, and that is when I get super happy. I am not saying I can only ever be passionate about boys.. but so far, they seem to win in the whole passion department.

Is it depressing or what that even Donald Trump understands this? "With out passion you don't have energy, with out energy you have nothing." And I really believe that. Without passion, and something to work towards, you find yourself sitting around doing nothing. Before you know it, you have no energy to do things with your friends, or family. You feel like being a lone, even though the emptiness eats at your soul. You end up with nothing. So it is not only nice to have passion, it is necessary as Blaise Pascal mentioned. "Nothing is so intolerable to man as being fully at rest, without a passion, without business, without entertainment, without care."

The following 3 quotes impressed me:

Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.
Oprah Winfrey

But how are we to know what excites us if it feels as if nothing does?! Well...

We must act out passion before we can feel it.
Jean-Paul Sartre

Okay, okay. Well said. But still what should I choose to "act out". What if I waste time on a potential feeling of passion?... What could I even be passionate about?

Faith is the highest passion in a human being. Many in every generation may not come that far, but none comes further.
Soren Kierkegaard

Yeah, SLAP to the face. How could I not have seen this? Understood this? FAITH is the HIGHEST passion in a human being. I guess there is something to be passionate after all.


BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS HERE- I have got to find something to be passionate about that I can do when I have a hard day, or focus on when I am bored.




So I just talked to my friend Natalie and realized there are a few things I am passionate about... #1 Teaching Sunday School (as much as I hated that calling, I secretly miss it). #2 Ballroom dancing (it gives a thrill nothing else does! especially after mastering a step). #3 Public speaking (or talking in general, I love talking). #4 Basketball! (But after a while, I feel like i've seen the same plays, moves, and scores... It gets boring.) and #5 BLOGGING. (Life isn't as good unless people read and comment on my blog. I feel like that is the one thing I look forward to each week. First posting on the blog, then reading all the comments. I tend to get kinda sad when I see no one comments on a post. If all else fails, just say hi so I know you read the post. :)

So why are these not passion enough? I can't teach anymore, I am in too much pain constantly to ballroom dance anymore, people are sick of listening to me talk, basketball has gotten boring, and i'm running out of things to blog about.

I'm lame. I know. But "Man is only great when he acts from passion" (Benjamin Disraeli). So I guess I am not so great... Get over it :)


Oh, and p.s. If you have any ideas of what I can be passionate about, please comment and let me know. THANKS.

One more confession from this teenage drama queen... More to come.

- J

"Life is a highway..."

Attention world: I have finally started a real life again! Last week was my first week of school, and I loved it! I have 4 classes including Stats 221, Calc 112, second half of New Testament, and ASL 102. I also was lucky enough to FINALLY get a job! :) Yes, you may applaud. I am just as excited as you are (if not more). Anyways... My professors are fantastic, and one of them even sounds like John Bytheway. Its one of those voices that you can't help but listen to and enjoy. I might actually not mind this semester. And that is something I don't think I've ever said before... Cause if you know me, you know I hate school, and work, and making an effort... Summary, I am super lazy, and proud to be. You may ask why.. well, look at how intelligent and successful I have been- even with how lazy I am. Imagine if I even tried a little bit, DOMINATION! Anyways... (this is getting awkward.. just kidding).

So, I got a guitar for Christmas and when I got back to Utah, I was able to finally see it. Yesterday my cousin Jon came over and taught me a few chords on the guitar. It was the first chance I had to play it since I got it... And I am proud to announce that I have learned 5 songs, and have them almost completely memorized.. Man am I good :)

So summary of updates:

1. School has started...
2. BYU's basketball team is now in the AP top 25!
3. I love my new guitar! I am slightly obsessed..
4. I'm still obsessed with BYU basketball and am proud of their constant success.


5. I moved apartments.. and LOVE my new apartment-mates!

6. My new roommate is a transfer student, and we get a long great! I love the girl, and we have the best of times together. Last night we stayed up until 2 am making crazy mini films and documentaries. I don't know why we are so insane, but we are. And I love it.

7. All of my favorite TV shows premiered either this past week, or this upcoming week. For all those who love Chuck- are you excited for the 2 hour premiere or what!?!

8. I went to the "Welcome Back Dance" BYU held, and went with 3 friends. The four of us had a fantastic time dancing and being insane- then a group of us watched Bourne Supremacy late at night. Good times, good times.

Anyways- I wish there was more I could say, or confess.. But life is kinda dull right now. Maybe I'll get swept off my feet and have some whimsical romance to share soon. But as for now, this is one teenage drama queen. More confessions to come.

- J

I think everyone has hated a boy or two (or a few dozen) in their life time. So, because this is "confessions of a teenage DRAMA queen", I will do some confessing about my hate for boys. At this moment, I am still deciding if I should find and post pictures of all the jerks out there... I guess we'll find out in the end if i'm brave enough (like taylor swift maybe..) to do so.

I go through these "phases" where I decided I don't like boys anymore... As in, I still like boys, but at the current moment I have chosen to HATE them. Even if that is quite the intense word, I still wish to use it.. It fits my intense emotions.

So why do I hate them? Here are 50 reasons.

1. They are adorable. All of them.
2. They say sweet things... and mean it.
3. When they smile... I get red cheeks and smile.
4. Every song makes me think of them.. happy and sad ones.
5. I tear up when I see past love.
6. They never apologize for breaking your heart.
7. You feel bad if you break their heart... even though they broke yours first.
8. Boys treat girls like guitars, they play them for a while and love it, and then get bored and move on.. not fair, not fair.
9. They claim they can have a girlfriend and still have you as their girl friend.. lies.
10. Their girlfriends like to make friends with you.. and it makes you want to vomit.
11. They make you scream.
12. There's not a moment of the day you don't have atleast one boy on your mind.
13. They lie. Not all the time, but it happens.
14. They say not to take offense when they say they don't like you, and ask to still be friends.. yeah right! Like thats really going to work.
15. If he says he likes you.. he won't ever say why. He'll just hold your hand and call it good.
16. He thinks its cheesy when you pair him up with a love song.
17. They pressure you.
18. You do something nice and sweet, and they think its creepy. yes that has happened multiple times.
19. You compliment them, and they say the EXACT same thing back. Way to cheat.
20. They think of the here and now, and take no concern on what you might feel now, and in the future.
21. They ask to "study" and you can never tell if they mean "study" or actually studying..
22. When you do actually study, they want you to do most of the work.
23. They flirt to get things like free rides, help with school, or advice.. Not cool boys, not cool.
24. When they play the piano (or another instrument) and it melts your heart.. you have to remember that song melted like 12 girls hearts in the past week.
25. They have no creativity! (when it comes to "winning" you over, or dates..)
26. They are irresistible.
27. They are near impossible to get over.. and you'll never get over your first love.
28. They lead you on, treating you like they might like you when they just want to get to your best friend (yes that has happened more than I'd like to mention).
29. You love them even when you wish you could punch every boy in the face.
30. "Bubbly" by Colbie makes you think of a certain boy, and makes you smile...
31. And "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles and "Soulmate" by Natasha Bedingfield make you cry and think about those jerks who broke your heart. (and make you more lonely in the process.)
32. Can't live with them, can't live without them.
33. When you are in a movie theater, you just want to hold a boy's hand, as cheesy as it is..
34. You love it when a boy finally sits down and watches a movie like the "Notebook" and then wanna cry when he makes fun of it when deep down you wish he'd love you like that.
35. They're just idiots.
36. They seem to have some sort of "charm" or magic spell that just intrances (sp?) you.
37. They offer help, but don't really want to offer it.
38. Boys love to tell you all about their old girlfriends but hate it when you have a story about one stupid boy that you want to share.
39. Even after you've "moved on", they still make you cry.
40. They break your heart, you hate it, and yet, you can't seem to let go (or all the sudden they decide they want you back.. and as taylor swift would say, "its too late for you and your white horse to catch me now..")
41. They are dumb... you know why.
42. You think he is just your "best friend" and then you realize you are practically "in love" with him.
43. They are so dang attractive.. even if at first they aren't.. after a while, they are.
44. They go on missions.. Okay, I'm super glad they do. But two years is a long time! for real.
45. They like to have girlfriends, and not tell you. Meanwhile, you decide you really like them.
46. They win at everything! Its just irritating.
47. When you say you don't like a certain sport, they boy looks like he's gonna pass out. #1, its not that big of a deal. #2, stop acting like a girl.
48. They act more dramatic than a lot of girls, and still claim there's "no drama" surrounding them.. HA HA HA. Good one.
49. You always wish he'd write a song about you, and before you know it, you realize you've written 7 songs about him... Ridiculous, I know. I still can't believe I wasted all that time.
50. Its not that they break your heart, it happens, it hurts, you eventually move on... Its the ones that shatter it and break it into a million pieces. Or even worse, the ones who bruise your heart.. You can always glue back together a broken, or even a shattered heart. But a bruise, takes more than time to heal.. And it hurts a lot more.


So thanks BOYS. (No, you're not men.) Thanks for all your help. Thanks for teaching me about why boys are such idiots. And here's to you boys:





If you think of any other (or better) reasons.. feel free to fill me in. I'm sure I feel the same way :)

Anyways, this is one REAL confession from one broken-hearted teenage drama queen.
(And yes, I'm proud for being so bold.)

- J